Suddenly some....Expectations

I have been out and about for a few months now and I am constantly surprised my this particular aspect.... Expectations... what is that? On the one hand if you jump into bed on the first date they tell you they don't want a one night stand, on the other if you don't and we have a pleasant evening say good night with a kiss only, they start going on about managing expectations.

OK well, there are several things we can say here, firstly, you care so much about me that you want to make sure I'm not hurt?? ...somehow I don't think so. Secondly, they are my expectations and have F all to do with you... I can think what I like and I promise you, at this stage I'm not even thinking about a relationship I'm making friends and working out whether I like you. I'm not thinking about the luggage you've collected over the years, I certainly not thinking about trapping you but I don't think that would go down too well either. I think it's more about a get out clause. These guys are scared,  don't want to commit, worried that they might have feelings or just don't want to take responsibility. They think that cos I'm over 50 I want to tie a man down and put a ring on it.

Quite frankly guys don't flatter yourselves,  I got into bed with you because you were attractive and I wanted to, not because I'm desperate. If it was or first date it was probably because you just have the body and not the brain. 

Well surprise guys you are not the only ones who don't want to commit,  we can have fun just as much as you can and sometimes that's exactly what we want.  This is not 1970 or 1990 or for that matter 2005, now women of a certain age are gold dust and you should look out for us because a lot of us are:

• Financially independent
• We have no one at home
• We don't want anything from you
• Experienced sexually 
• Not afraid to do our ask you to do it
• We are fun and know how to have fun

We've had our kids and they are all grown up, we have good jobs, give us some credit we are not 19 anymore and really do understand the situation.

Expectations are for relationships.... we don't have one yet, I may like you we may have sex together and it may grow into a relationship but, at this point don't talk to us about Expectations.

Suddenly some.....New life at 50ish

Hmmm ... what to say to the World? It's been a while, life has changed, sorry, lots has happened, let's have a chat.

I last posted over a year ago, life was a little harrowing at that point and a backslide sent me into myself, issues have been dealt with and I have come out the other side feeling almost like the 19 year old me again ... and she was fun :)

Major personal crisis have been dealt with - not going to go into that. Both children have moved out! Oh glory!... never tell them how much I don't miss them. No more pandering to everyone else's needs, just me! Does that sound selfish? ... well, tough if you think it is. If you're over 50 and just out of and long relationship you'll understand, if not you'll learn. Family is still important but, after 30 years I am allowed to luxuriate in my own needs for once.

Don't judge me I was married to a psycho for over 30 years, handsome, charming, fit, high earner but ultimately a psycho - I will not waste time writing about him but I will mention him only where necessary.

Now I've decided it's time to get out there again and this is a major change in my emotions. It has taken a long time to process, don't wonder why people are happy single, chances are they just are, on the other hand they may be scared to get out there, they may not know how, confidence in yourself your body and your own attractiveness all need to be regrown. I was going say it was an easy decision to make, I suffered from all of the above and still do from some of them.

 Do you know how much the dating world has changed in the last 35 years? When you are 18, you go to a disco or a bar and hook up, you go out with someone from school, you are involved in all kinds of activities. Not forgetting when you are 18 that more than anything else you are young and attractive and most people you meet are SINGLE. When you are over 50, or even in you 40s that is not the case,  on of the first things you have to learn is how to tell them apart, the easy things like wedding rings,  but maybe they are still wearing it out of habit, at work do they have a picture on their desk?  And again maybe it was her that was the bitch and he still pines after her,  does he have to pick the kids up on Friday to look after them or is it just his turn. ... a minefield.  Body language another source new for learning or relearning the basic skills. 

I'd love to share with you my experiences getting back out there over the coming months. The men I met the things I do, how it makes me feel,  what I learn

Suddenly some.....cuddles

Seems a funny thing to write about? well, I've been thinking about them a lot lately and yesterday sitting on the bus I realised that they are as necessary as the air we breathe, well almost, you know what I mean. When was the last time you had one from your kids? or your partner? a random stranger? The most random cuddle? From a man trying to get members for the Red Cross in the middle of Leicester Square in London, I said I was already a member and he said he wasn't doing very well so I had to give him something, I joked "how about a cuddle?" to which he agreed, we both left smiling, I had a fantastic day and I'm sure I improved his too.

Cuddles and hugs can mean anything thank you, I love you, I understand, pleased to see you, I feel your pain, don't worry, we'll get there and lots of other things, the point is they are always without doubt positive and nurturing and we need them for our emotional well being.

The men in my life, father, brother and soon to be ex husband were/are stiff upper lip when it comes to showing emotion, just not the done thing, I really didn't notice this flaw for some time, I enjoy a hug or cuddle and am always ready to give or receive one. My dad would always tell someone who wanted to give him a hug 'not to be so silly' and would shake them off, that is until the day my daughter replied ' I don't care, I'm coming in for one anyway'. It changed their relationship and my fathers whole outlook on life, in fact he turned from a grumpy old git to a teddy bear, pity it was so soon before he died.

Men use them to get what they want, I don't mean in a nasty way, naturally and with love or affection, women use cuddles more and in a nurturing way as part of our make-up we need and give more hugs. When hugs are withheld you start to wonder what's wrong and feel less confidence about your relationship that person in general and can be one of the signs leading to a total breakdown.

Personal experience leads me to believe that affection in the form of bodily contact ie cuddles, is an essential part of life. Hug your friends, children, lover even the old lady who lives downstairs, it'll make them feel better and not to mention it'll bring the magic of a smile to your face.

Suddenly some.....reality

After a particularly depressing phone call with a solicitor in the UK it is time to reflect on life. Is it fair? Did I do too little? Or maybe too much? Was/is my dedication to my family not the right thing?
When I met my husband in 1980 I fell completely head over heels for him and may I say, vice versa as well. We were young and in love and married by the time I was 20. Everyone friends and family included said it wouldn't last, but it endured all kinds while we watched as friends got married had children and then divorced.
10, 15, 20 years passed, the world moved on our children born, the Berlin Wall came down the Gulf War, computers, mobile phones the World changed and we stayed the same. We continued living in our 1980's bubble where we believed marriage was forever and because of that and a good job i could stay at home and be a mum. Oh, silly me!
What we didn't notice was the extra pressures this modern world bought with it. We didn't notice the changes we were both going through. We forgot to look after each other too busy making things work and maybe sticking with it and being a little to proud about the length we had been together.
Don't get me wrong I still love him and there is no one else, but live together not any more the distance is too far and the crimes too big to be forgotten.

Suddenly some......friends

Little did I know but I spent most of my married life avoiding people in general and that is never a good thing. I would look down, avoid eye contact, forget to phone people back, just not go and certainly not to a work do or Christmas party. I didn't think anything was wrong, I wasn't unhappy I just slipped into it. The atmosphere in my marriage made it easy, I was convinced I was dedicated to him, we were living in a foreign country and he didn't speak the language and I did, so I did everything and I really mean everything from talking to the landlady and officials to the shopping over  writing his letters and going to school parents evenings. I just didn't have time for friends so I avoided them, when I did meet someone I liked I was made to feel so bad for 'deserting' my family I didn't bother in the end. 

That is sad, very sad I was a prisoner in my own marriage without even knowing, people used to tell me about so and so who was having a terrible time with their wife/husband and I would smile! and say that's sad and how I'd been happily married for 30 years. What a fool I was, hiding behind a whopper of a lie and not even seeing it. Almost a year ago things changed, the deserting was done by someone else, and even my brother who I sincerely believe never notices anything knew and saw my situation, the first thing he said was " well, he wasn't a very good husband, maybe now you can have a life". I was too stunned and upset at the time to acknowledge the truth of this statement but, he was right.

It was a life changing event, forced upon me, one which I may have never taken myself! I am still here my world didn't cease and the people I have to thank are all the people that opened their hearts and lives to me, people I now call friends. A year ago I suddenly found myself on my own and responsible for 2 teenage daughters and no support system, living in a foreign country and not having had a 'real' job for 30 years things were pretty dire. On the other hand the thing that had held me back and kept me imprisoned was gone one day to the next, it was certainly a roller coaster swinging from one end of manic to the other with no-one to pull me through and tell me it would be OK.

Turning points come in all shapes and sizes mine was a cup of coffee, sitting in a cafe drinking coffee on my own feeling sorry for myself someone I knew vaguely said hello and sat down - didn't ask just sat down! My insides shut off but, slowly I warmed to the conversation and enjoyed the company and the afternoon. Lying in bed later I realised I had spent the afternoon smiling, that I had enjoyed myself, my next thought was OMG when was the last time I did that I was a completely different person than I thought, I promised myself I would smile every day and accept invitations regardless.

People who say it's easy, just get on with it do a lot of harm, it is never easy and not all the invitations I accepted ended with a friend or were successful, you have to sort out the good from the bad and have to decided (for yourself) what you want. Do I want to go partying, find a man, go out every night, take up a sport, be happy being alone the list is endless.

In the end I know what I want and am a completely different person and I have all my new friends to thank! Making new friends is not a smooth path but a rewarding one. Smile regardless of your insides, say yes and you will gradually get to where you want to be.

Places to go:

NY times - what are friends for?

productive flourishing

How finds help

Suddenly Some... Poetry

Inner Peace

I love poetry, it makes me feel inside, I can feel all the things which usually you can't show and they feel so real. This love moved up on me slowly and took me by surprise, in fact I hated them when I was younger thinking them a waste of time. Maybe I've grown up, I enjoy them more than music, they reach deeper. I must admit I go for deep emotional poems whether happy or sad.

Reading a poem can change your day calming you or giving you inspiration to continue, helping you through the difficult times or infusing you with joy. 

Reading poetry is not the preserve of the intellectual or well educated it's not elitist and one thing it will never do is become part of the commercialized, fast moving online social networks, never a meme. The reason is they are intensely private, everyone sees something different in the words written on a page. You can plug poetry or poem into a search engine to find a poem, I usually find that the poems on the internet whether by famous or completely unknown author are polluted by with pictures giving you the sense of what the person who posted it thought about it. If I want to find a poem the only place to go is the library, or a book shop, words on a plain background.

OK, I've just read through that and it sound a little pretentious! So I'm just going to give you a couple of favourites:

My all time favourite poem and inspirational, I can read it quietly but find that I love reading it out loud gives it extra power:

If - Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 

But somehow not this version and I'm not even going to mention what UK television did to it during the football.

I also speak German and of course the same applies to any other language in the world, however German has the reputation of being a hard language not only to learn but also emotionally. In defense I give you Xavier Naidoo, the singer and front man of Söhne Mannheim.

Not only is the music haunting but, the lyrics are beautiful, deep and tragic. A declaration of love and caring and protection in a hopeless situation. Whatever my emotional state - and it has been a roller caster recently I do and also will regard this as my favourite song and one of the best poems of our time.

Suddenly some....?

This is an attempt to do something useful and to cure depression, which I know must be near. How? I hear you ask, I burst into tears while on the phone to my mother-in-law. And as the radio has just told me: today is Valentine's Day and I am sitting in bed hiding from the World, pulling a so called sicky.

I know that I will not receive flowers today, I will not receive a card, I will not even get a peck on the cheek after almost exactly 30 years of marriage I know this without a doubt! The only person that ever sent me flowers was my mother, who has been gone for some 5 years now, the same year my husband went to Thailand. 

Husband, ah yes, he left 6 months ago for a job the other side of the world, saying he loved me more than everything and didn't know what he would do without me. That lasted a long time - all of 2 months. Now I find myself bringing up 2 teenagers, one just started college the other a year away from university entrance exams, of course they are the reason I didn't go and live in the tropics. It would not be fair to either desert them in Europe or drag them to a foreign country so I stayed.

What?

Now, I've explained my situation, I have to decide what I'm going to use this blog for. The idea behind the blog name is that you can add anything to the phase "suddenly some" 'suddenly some flowers'...hahahaha, as it's Valentines Day 'suddenly some-one loves you' that would be nice but, not today. 

So that's what is going to be, every time I post I'll add a phase that's been bugging me and ramble.