Little did I know but I spent most of my married life avoiding people in general and that is never a good thing. I would look down, avoid eye contact, forget to phone people back, just not go and certainly not to a work do or Christmas party. I didn't think anything was wrong, I wasn't unhappy I just slipped into it. The atmosphere in my marriage made it easy, I was convinced I was dedicated to him, we were living in a foreign country and he didn't speak the language and I did, so I did everything and I really mean everything from talking to the landlady and officials to the shopping over writing his letters and going to school parents evenings. I just didn't have time for friends so I avoided them, when I did meet someone I liked I was made to feel so bad for 'deserting' my family I didn't bother in the end.
That is sad, very sad I was a prisoner in my own marriage without even knowing, people used to tell me about so and so who was having a terrible time with their wife/husband and I would smile! and say that's sad and how I'd been happily married for 30 years. What a fool I was, hiding behind a whopper of a lie and not even seeing it. Almost a year ago things changed, the deserting was done by someone else, and even my brother who I sincerely believe never notices anything knew and saw my situation, the first thing he said was " well, he wasn't a very good husband, maybe now you can have a life". I was too stunned and upset at the time to acknowledge the truth of this statement but, he was right.
It was a life changing event, forced upon me, one which I may have never taken myself! I am still here my world didn't cease and the people I have to thank are all the people that opened their hearts and lives to me, people I now call friends. A year ago I suddenly found myself on my own and responsible for 2 teenage daughters and no support system, living in a foreign country and not having had a 'real' job for 30 years things were pretty dire. On the other hand the thing that had held me back and kept me imprisoned was gone one day to the next, it was certainly a roller coaster swinging from one end of manic to the other with no-one to pull me through and tell me it would be OK.
Turning points come in all shapes and sizes mine was a cup of coffee, sitting in a cafe drinking coffee on my own feeling sorry for myself someone I knew vaguely said hello and sat down - didn't ask just sat down! My insides shut off but, slowly I warmed to the conversation and enjoyed the company and the afternoon. Lying in bed later I realised I had spent the afternoon smiling, that I had enjoyed myself, my next thought was OMG when was the last time I did that I was a completely different person than I thought, I promised myself I would smile every day and accept invitations regardless.
People who say it's easy, just get on with it do a lot of harm, it is never easy and not all the invitations I accepted ended with a friend or were successful, you have to sort out the good from the bad and have to decided (for yourself) what you want. Do I want to go partying, find a man, go out every night, take up a sport, be happy being alone the list is endless.
In the end I know what I want and am a completely different person and I have all my new friends to thank! Making new friends is not a smooth path but a rewarding one. Smile regardless of your insides, say yes and you will gradually get to where you want to be.
Places to go:
NY times - what are friends for?
productive flourishing
How finds help
It was a life changing event, forced upon me, one which I may have never taken myself! I am still here my world didn't cease and the people I have to thank are all the people that opened their hearts and lives to me, people I now call friends. A year ago I suddenly found myself on my own and responsible for 2 teenage daughters and no support system, living in a foreign country and not having had a 'real' job for 30 years things were pretty dire. On the other hand the thing that had held me back and kept me imprisoned was gone one day to the next, it was certainly a roller coaster swinging from one end of manic to the other with no-one to pull me through and tell me it would be OK.
Turning points come in all shapes and sizes mine was a cup of coffee, sitting in a cafe drinking coffee on my own feeling sorry for myself someone I knew vaguely said hello and sat down - didn't ask just sat down! My insides shut off but, slowly I warmed to the conversation and enjoyed the company and the afternoon. Lying in bed later I realised I had spent the afternoon smiling, that I had enjoyed myself, my next thought was OMG when was the last time I did that I was a completely different person than I thought, I promised myself I would smile every day and accept invitations regardless.People who say it's easy, just get on with it do a lot of harm, it is never easy and not all the invitations I accepted ended with a friend or were successful, you have to sort out the good from the bad and have to decided (for yourself) what you want. Do I want to go partying, find a man, go out every night, take up a sport, be happy being alone the list is endless.
In the end I know what I want and am a completely different person and I have all my new friends to thank! Making new friends is not a smooth path but a rewarding one. Smile regardless of your insides, say yes and you will gradually get to where you want to be.
Places to go:
NY times - what are friends for?
productive flourishing
How finds help
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