Suddenly some.....New life at 50ish

Hmmm ... what to say to the World? It's been a while, life has changed, sorry, lots has happened, let's have a chat.

I last posted over a year ago, life was a little harrowing at that point and a backslide sent me into myself, issues have been dealt with and I have come out the other side feeling almost like the 19 year old me again ... and she was fun :)

Major personal crisis have been dealt with - not going to go into that. Both children have moved out! Oh glory!... never tell them how much I don't miss them. No more pandering to everyone else's needs, just me! Does that sound selfish? ... well, tough if you think it is. If you're over 50 and just out of and long relationship you'll understand, if not you'll learn. Family is still important but, after 30 years I am allowed to luxuriate in my own needs for once.

Don't judge me I was married to a psycho for over 30 years, handsome, charming, fit, high earner but ultimately a psycho - I will not waste time writing about him but I will mention him only where necessary.

Now I've decided it's time to get out there again and this is a major change in my emotions. It has taken a long time to process, don't wonder why people are happy single, chances are they just are, on the other hand they may be scared to get out there, they may not know how, confidence in yourself your body and your own attractiveness all need to be regrown. I was going say it was an easy decision to make, I suffered from all of the above and still do from some of them.

 Do you know how much the dating world has changed in the last 35 years? When you are 18, you go to a disco or a bar and hook up, you go out with someone from school, you are involved in all kinds of activities. Not forgetting when you are 18 that more than anything else you are young and attractive and most people you meet are SINGLE. When you are over 50, or even in you 40s that is not the case,  on of the first things you have to learn is how to tell them apart, the easy things like wedding rings,  but maybe they are still wearing it out of habit, at work do they have a picture on their desk?  And again maybe it was her that was the bitch and he still pines after her,  does he have to pick the kids up on Friday to look after them or is it just his turn. ... a minefield.  Body language another source new for learning or relearning the basic skills. 

I'd love to share with you my experiences getting back out there over the coming months. The men I met the things I do, how it makes me feel,  what I learn

Suddenly some...... Social Groups

I was talking to a lawyer a couple of days again and he was telling me about a new demographic that he was tracing, something he had notice in his practice. I met this guy in the course of my work and he didn't know my background when he was telling me this, although I did tell him afterwards. A group of mostly women who are educated, middle-class, and married over 25 years ago and gave up work when they had children (as was the norm). These women have not worked for 20 odd years and have looked after their family, have been used to a high living standard and now for whatever reason find themselves facing separation and divorce. They have not paid into any pensions - thinking that their husbands pension would be enough for both, their earning potential is limited and now must face the fact that they have to find a job good enough to support themselves and to build up some sort of buffer big enough to support them in retirement or rely on their children and the state. Adding to the fact that they must take a big drop in their living standards. My friend described them as the new intelligent poor.

Divorce seems to be a standard part of society and most people think that once you've been married over 20 years or even 15 you've made it and you are happily married. Maybe this come from the fact that our parents generation or older only got divorced in extreme circumstances, I remember my Mum saying to me 'I don't care how unreasonable he is, I promised to love, cherish, obey and care for him' and my Dad could be very unreasonable. I didn't understand her atitude but I certainly respected her for her determination and staying power. These days we talk about personal ambition and needs and are somehow selfish and less likely to compromise in relationships, also it's normal for women to have careers and good jobs instead of being stay at home Mums.

When my husband and I decided that I should give up a very well paid job in the city and become a full time mum, even though at that time it was becoming a rarity because living was becoming more expensive and most couples needed the second income to survive. We, luckily, had no such worries and as 20 years ago men just didn't become stay at home dads, I gave up work to look after 2 daughters. At this time, of course, we didn't even think of divorce, why should we, both our parents were 'happily', both our mothers didn't work and we assumed our live would be the same.

The World has moved on, it's no longer the 1960's, the World has also become smaller and more transparent and regardless what anyone tells me I now believe that apart from the very lucky we will not see marriages lasting 50 years anymore. We will have a husband/wife for the first part of our adult life for children, a second for growing old, life expectation has changed and is now a lot longer, the pressure of working life and the expectations we have for ourselves and the stresses of today's society are too great to sustain life-long marriages.

I have been caught in the middle of this change and have become a victim of dedication to my family and therefore a member of this new social group. Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter and I don't hate my ex-husband, in fact I hope he is happy in his new life. On my part I am sad about the end of our marriage and didn't expect to be facing this challenge at 50. I'll get there. 

Suddenly some.....reality

After a particularly depressing phone call with a solicitor in the UK it is time to reflect on life. Is it fair? Did I do too little? Or maybe too much? Was/is my dedication to my family not the right thing?
When I met my husband in 1980 I fell completely head over heels for him and may I say, vice versa as well. We were young and in love and married by the time I was 20. Everyone friends and family included said it wouldn't last, but it endured all kinds while we watched as friends got married had children and then divorced.
10, 15, 20 years passed, the world moved on our children born, the Berlin Wall came down the Gulf War, computers, mobile phones the World changed and we stayed the same. We continued living in our 1980's bubble where we believed marriage was forever and because of that and a good job i could stay at home and be a mum. Oh, silly me!
What we didn't notice was the extra pressures this modern world bought with it. We didn't notice the changes we were both going through. We forgot to look after each other too busy making things work and maybe sticking with it and being a little to proud about the length we had been together.
Don't get me wrong I still love him and there is no one else, but live together not any more the distance is too far and the crimes too big to be forgotten.