Suddenly some.....New life at 50ish

Hmmm ... what to say to the World? It's been a while, life has changed, sorry, lots has happened, let's have a chat.

I last posted over a year ago, life was a little harrowing at that point and a backslide sent me into myself, issues have been dealt with and I have come out the other side feeling almost like the 19 year old me again ... and she was fun :)

Major personal crisis have been dealt with - not going to go into that. Both children have moved out! Oh glory!... never tell them how much I don't miss them. No more pandering to everyone else's needs, just me! Does that sound selfish? ... well, tough if you think it is. If you're over 50 and just out of and long relationship you'll understand, if not you'll learn. Family is still important but, after 30 years I am allowed to luxuriate in my own needs for once.

Don't judge me I was married to a psycho for over 30 years, handsome, charming, fit, high earner but ultimately a psycho - I will not waste time writing about him but I will mention him only where necessary.

Now I've decided it's time to get out there again and this is a major change in my emotions. It has taken a long time to process, don't wonder why people are happy single, chances are they just are, on the other hand they may be scared to get out there, they may not know how, confidence in yourself your body and your own attractiveness all need to be regrown. I was going say it was an easy decision to make, I suffered from all of the above and still do from some of them.

 Do you know how much the dating world has changed in the last 35 years? When you are 18, you go to a disco or a bar and hook up, you go out with someone from school, you are involved in all kinds of activities. Not forgetting when you are 18 that more than anything else you are young and attractive and most people you meet are SINGLE. When you are over 50, or even in you 40s that is not the case,  on of the first things you have to learn is how to tell them apart, the easy things like wedding rings,  but maybe they are still wearing it out of habit, at work do they have a picture on their desk?  And again maybe it was her that was the bitch and he still pines after her,  does he have to pick the kids up on Friday to look after them or is it just his turn. ... a minefield.  Body language another source new for learning or relearning the basic skills. 

I'd love to share with you my experiences getting back out there over the coming months. The men I met the things I do, how it makes me feel,  what I learn

Suddenly some...Time

Time is a funny thing you never seem to have enough if it and if you do 9 times out of 10 most people end up wasting those precious moments with the mundane or the boring. I have no bone to pick with the 9, as i'm prone to procrastination myself and I'm jealous of the one, that person who sees an opportunity and uses it to the full.

After a long 18 months of trying desperately to get over a really bad and really long relationship I have suddenly found myself A. feeling more optimistic and B. I have so much more time that I want to fill with good useful things. Most people I know would say ' Ooh, lucky you, spare time, I'd love some of that'. But having spent so long caring for the needs of a challenging, demanding control freak I'm at a bit of a loss. I still end up at home with nothing to do, you see before I needed approval and if it was not forthcoming then I didn't do it - so I didn't do most things I wanted to.

So here I am sitting in my armchair writing this, I've cleaned, cooked re-functioned a stool in my daughter's bedroom phoned everyone I need to and written my Christmas thank you letters and now I don't know what to do with the rest of the evening.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking, thinking about what I want to do basically with my extra time and as a consequence my life. I am 50 March and by that time I want to at the very least know where I am going and have an idea how to get there. So far this is what I have worked out:

• I enjoy my job as a Management Assistant - supporting and organising 
• I am interested in psychology - positive psychology fits with my general positive outlook on life, I am hardly ever negative about things and always smile.
• I love making things - I'll turn my hand to anything DIY, crafty or sewing, I used to make children's clothes and wedding jewellery and sell them before the Internet existed, really enjoyed it.
• Art and design are fascinating - I can not paint, or have never tried but, design I can do, the interior of my apartment has completely changed over the past 18 months from sparse and tidy to shabby vintage and I've hardly spent any money on new furniture.
• I need to further my education.
• I am dedicated to supporting/helping my daughters achieve their goals in life.
• I want to move back to the UK.

This feeling of wellbeing and time has kind of crept up on me, I assume I am at last getting over what was. Now motivation and a plan is needed to keep me from slipping back and becoming one of the 9. Here are some articles that I'm reading at the moment:

Tiny Budha

Lifehack

 the other fall out of such a relationship is a lack of friends and real fear of committing to even the most basic of friendships - that's something else and maybe another post

Suddenly some......friends

Little did I know but I spent most of my married life avoiding people in general and that is never a good thing. I would look down, avoid eye contact, forget to phone people back, just not go and certainly not to a work do or Christmas party. I didn't think anything was wrong, I wasn't unhappy I just slipped into it. The atmosphere in my marriage made it easy, I was convinced I was dedicated to him, we were living in a foreign country and he didn't speak the language and I did, so I did everything and I really mean everything from talking to the landlady and officials to the shopping over  writing his letters and going to school parents evenings. I just didn't have time for friends so I avoided them, when I did meet someone I liked I was made to feel so bad for 'deserting' my family I didn't bother in the end. 

That is sad, very sad I was a prisoner in my own marriage without even knowing, people used to tell me about so and so who was having a terrible time with their wife/husband and I would smile! and say that's sad and how I'd been happily married for 30 years. What a fool I was, hiding behind a whopper of a lie and not even seeing it. Almost a year ago things changed, the deserting was done by someone else, and even my brother who I sincerely believe never notices anything knew and saw my situation, the first thing he said was " well, he wasn't a very good husband, maybe now you can have a life". I was too stunned and upset at the time to acknowledge the truth of this statement but, he was right.

It was a life changing event, forced upon me, one which I may have never taken myself! I am still here my world didn't cease and the people I have to thank are all the people that opened their hearts and lives to me, people I now call friends. A year ago I suddenly found myself on my own and responsible for 2 teenage daughters and no support system, living in a foreign country and not having had a 'real' job for 30 years things were pretty dire. On the other hand the thing that had held me back and kept me imprisoned was gone one day to the next, it was certainly a roller coaster swinging from one end of manic to the other with no-one to pull me through and tell me it would be OK.

Turning points come in all shapes and sizes mine was a cup of coffee, sitting in a cafe drinking coffee on my own feeling sorry for myself someone I knew vaguely said hello and sat down - didn't ask just sat down! My insides shut off but, slowly I warmed to the conversation and enjoyed the company and the afternoon. Lying in bed later I realised I had spent the afternoon smiling, that I had enjoyed myself, my next thought was OMG when was the last time I did that I was a completely different person than I thought, I promised myself I would smile every day and accept invitations regardless.

People who say it's easy, just get on with it do a lot of harm, it is never easy and not all the invitations I accepted ended with a friend or were successful, you have to sort out the good from the bad and have to decided (for yourself) what you want. Do I want to go partying, find a man, go out every night, take up a sport, be happy being alone the list is endless.

In the end I know what I want and am a completely different person and I have all my new friends to thank! Making new friends is not a smooth path but a rewarding one. Smile regardless of your insides, say yes and you will gradually get to where you want to be.

Places to go:

NY times - what are friends for?

productive flourishing

How finds help

Suddenly Some ...Smiles

The Benefits of Smiling
Smiling is infectious,
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today,
And I started smiling too.
~Author Unknown

Some time ago I got fed up with feeling down all the time, this was pre 'the big change' and the only thing I could think of to try and get me out of it was to smile. Ha, I hear you say, but, no smiling when you are feeling depressed is very difficult. I had no friends, was unhappy at home , living in a foreign country and didn't have a proper job either, I really was at my wits end. Support was very hard to come by, smile I told myself, you know the the saying "smile and the whole World smiles with you, cry and you cry alone". Well, I'd done enough of the second, so I started smiling, from the very first moment I tried it I noticed the difference.

No really there was a difference, at first I just noticed people smiling back and then there was more eye contact, in a country where both seem to be avoided I was amazed! Smiling was a strain at the beginning, I didn't see the point, but those first few days encouraged me and as it got easier and more people smiled at me, people started to talk to me! If I was standing at a bus stop I would be people approached to ask about the time-time or whether they had missed the number so and so.

 I smiled more and more and wonderful things started to happen, I began to feel more positive in general. I began to trust myself and others began to trust me more, my work environment changed because I'd changed, I'd changed from a timid employee who sho in the corner never daring to do or say anything to a smiling, happy (at least on the outside - but that was changing to), friendly and helpful self confident person. 

What does a smile do?

Smiles lower your blood pressure! yep, it has been proved... you can prove it to yourself, I did ven the doctor was amazed. When you next go to the doctor and he takes your blood pressure ask if to take it again when you're smiling, there really is a noticeable difference. Whether you feel like smiling or not, or are happy or not smiling releases endorphins, serotonin and other biochemicals so called happy chemicals into your body. The same ones released when you go bungy jumping or mountain biking or any dangerous sport. It#s also said that if you smile enough it has a positive effect on your immune system.


Psychological changes happen too:

• you fell more positive.
• you are more approachable
• people trust you more - every one prefer a smiling salesman :)
• they help cover up embarrassment 
• they say sorry
• you are more attractive
• Don't believe me? hear it from somebody else: ten benefits of smiling

2 years after starting my smiling experiment, a smile is now my natural expression. A smile is a weapon in sociality that none can withstand.

Forgotten how to smile? try this... but please start smiling!!