I was talking to a lawyer a couple of days again and he was telling me about a new demographic that he was tracing, something he had notice in his practice. I met this guy in the course of my work and he didn't know my background when he was telling me this, although I did tell him afterwards. A group of mostly women who are educated, middle-class, and married over 25 years ago and gave up work when they had children (as was the norm). These women have not worked for 20 odd years and have looked after their family, have been used to a high living standard and now for whatever reason find themselves facing separation and divorce. They have not paid into any pensions - thinking that their husbands pension would be enough for both, their earning potential is limited and now must face the fact that they have to find a job good enough to support themselves and to build up some sort of buffer big enough to support them in retirement or rely on their children and the state. Adding to the fact that they must take a big drop in their living standards. My friend described them as the new intelligent poor.
Divorce seems to be a standard part of society and most people think that once you've been married over 20 years or even 15 you've made it and you are happily married. Maybe this come from the fact that our parents generation or older only got divorced in extreme circumstances, I remember my Mum saying to me 'I don't care how unreasonable he is, I promised to love, cherish, obey and care for him' and my Dad could be very unreasonable. I didn't understand her atitude but I certainly respected her for her determination and staying power. These days we talk about personal ambition and needs and are somehow selfish and less likely to compromise in relationships, also it's normal for women to have careers and good jobs instead of being stay at home Mums.
When my husband and I decided that I should give up a very well paid job in the city and become a full time mum, even though at that time it was becoming a rarity because living was becoming more expensive and most couples needed the second income to survive. We, luckily, had no such worries and as 20 years ago men just didn't become stay at home dads, I gave up work to look after 2 daughters. At this time, of course, we didn't even think of divorce, why should we, both our parents were 'happily', both our mothers didn't work and we assumed our live would be the same.
The World has moved on, it's no longer the 1960's, the World has also become smaller and more transparent and regardless what anyone tells me I now believe that apart from the very lucky we will not see marriages lasting 50 years anymore. We will have a husband/wife for the first part of our adult life for children, a second for growing old, life expectation has changed and is now a lot longer, the pressure of working life and the expectations we have for ourselves and the stresses of today's society are too great to sustain life-long marriages.
I have been caught in the middle of this change and have become a victim of dedication to my family and therefore a member of this new social group. Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter and I don't hate my ex-husband, in fact I hope he is happy in his new life. On my part I am sad about the end of our marriage and didn't expect to be facing this challenge at 50. I'll get there.
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