Suddenly some....Expectations

I have been out and about for a few months now and I am constantly surprised my this particular aspect.... Expectations... what is that? On the one hand if you jump into bed on the first date they tell you they don't want a one night stand, on the other if you don't and we have a pleasant evening say good night with a kiss only, they start going on about managing expectations.

OK well, there are several things we can say here, firstly, you care so much about me that you want to make sure I'm not hurt?? ...somehow I don't think so. Secondly, they are my expectations and have F all to do with you... I can think what I like and I promise you, at this stage I'm not even thinking about a relationship I'm making friends and working out whether I like you. I'm not thinking about the luggage you've collected over the years, I certainly not thinking about trapping you but I don't think that would go down too well either. I think it's more about a get out clause. These guys are scared,  don't want to commit, worried that they might have feelings or just don't want to take responsibility. They think that cos I'm over 50 I want to tie a man down and put a ring on it.

Quite frankly guys don't flatter yourselves,  I got into bed with you because you were attractive and I wanted to, not because I'm desperate. If it was or first date it was probably because you just have the body and not the brain. 

Well surprise guys you are not the only ones who don't want to commit,  we can have fun just as much as you can and sometimes that's exactly what we want.  This is not 1970 or 1990 or for that matter 2005, now women of a certain age are gold dust and you should look out for us because a lot of us are:

• Financially independent
• We have no one at home
• We don't want anything from you
• Experienced sexually 
• Not afraid to do our ask you to do it
• We are fun and know how to have fun

We've had our kids and they are all grown up, we have good jobs, give us some credit we are not 19 anymore and really do understand the situation.

Expectations are for relationships.... we don't have one yet, I may like you we may have sex together and it may grow into a relationship but, at this point don't talk to us about Expectations.

Suddenly some.....New life at 50ish

Hmmm ... what to say to the World? It's been a while, life has changed, sorry, lots has happened, let's have a chat.

I last posted over a year ago, life was a little harrowing at that point and a backslide sent me into myself, issues have been dealt with and I have come out the other side feeling almost like the 19 year old me again ... and she was fun :)

Major personal crisis have been dealt with - not going to go into that. Both children have moved out! Oh glory!... never tell them how much I don't miss them. No more pandering to everyone else's needs, just me! Does that sound selfish? ... well, tough if you think it is. If you're over 50 and just out of and long relationship you'll understand, if not you'll learn. Family is still important but, after 30 years I am allowed to luxuriate in my own needs for once.

Don't judge me I was married to a psycho for over 30 years, handsome, charming, fit, high earner but ultimately a psycho - I will not waste time writing about him but I will mention him only where necessary.

Now I've decided it's time to get out there again and this is a major change in my emotions. It has taken a long time to process, don't wonder why people are happy single, chances are they just are, on the other hand they may be scared to get out there, they may not know how, confidence in yourself your body and your own attractiveness all need to be regrown. I was going say it was an easy decision to make, I suffered from all of the above and still do from some of them.

 Do you know how much the dating world has changed in the last 35 years? When you are 18, you go to a disco or a bar and hook up, you go out with someone from school, you are involved in all kinds of activities. Not forgetting when you are 18 that more than anything else you are young and attractive and most people you meet are SINGLE. When you are over 50, or even in you 40s that is not the case,  on of the first things you have to learn is how to tell them apart, the easy things like wedding rings,  but maybe they are still wearing it out of habit, at work do they have a picture on their desk?  And again maybe it was her that was the bitch and he still pines after her,  does he have to pick the kids up on Friday to look after them or is it just his turn. ... a minefield.  Body language another source new for learning or relearning the basic skills. 

I'd love to share with you my experiences getting back out there over the coming months. The men I met the things I do, how it makes me feel,  what I learn

Suddenly some....Monday morning

So waking up this morning I had a smile on my face despite it being Monday morning, its a no running morning,  I usually trot off every other day at 6am, a brilliant way to start the day. After checking my email putting the kettle and feeding the cat I looked out the window to see a damp foggy morning.  Not to bad I think to myself I'll wear my heels to work and take flatties in  case my feet get tired.

Off I dash to work picking up the massive parcel I have to take to the post office. Happy with the idea that I'm sorted for the day I struggle to unlock the front door without putting down the albeit light but awkward package.  Clunking down the stairs to the street in my heels, higher than I usually wear I hit the pavement not literally,  but almost! A tiny slip I didn't think anything of it by the time I got to thefirst corner I was worried, by the time I got to the second I knew I was in trouble, for hiding under the wet was ice ready and waiting to pounce. Decision time; do I continue carefully and try not to slip over and make an idiot of myself, or stop in the m8ddle of the road and change my shoes. The decision was made for me by the girl on her bike who cycled past and and as she turned the corner went straight on and fell off.

Off came the heels and on went the flatties abd then there was the bus, the bus driver had seen me changing shoes - oh the shame of it - and waited at the corner for me. You gotta love a friendly bus driver on a damp, cold and dark Monday morning :)

Suddenly some...... Social Groups

I was talking to a lawyer a couple of days again and he was telling me about a new demographic that he was tracing, something he had notice in his practice. I met this guy in the course of my work and he didn't know my background when he was telling me this, although I did tell him afterwards. A group of mostly women who are educated, middle-class, and married over 25 years ago and gave up work when they had children (as was the norm). These women have not worked for 20 odd years and have looked after their family, have been used to a high living standard and now for whatever reason find themselves facing separation and divorce. They have not paid into any pensions - thinking that their husbands pension would be enough for both, their earning potential is limited and now must face the fact that they have to find a job good enough to support themselves and to build up some sort of buffer big enough to support them in retirement or rely on their children and the state. Adding to the fact that they must take a big drop in their living standards. My friend described them as the new intelligent poor.

Divorce seems to be a standard part of society and most people think that once you've been married over 20 years or even 15 you've made it and you are happily married. Maybe this come from the fact that our parents generation or older only got divorced in extreme circumstances, I remember my Mum saying to me 'I don't care how unreasonable he is, I promised to love, cherish, obey and care for him' and my Dad could be very unreasonable. I didn't understand her atitude but I certainly respected her for her determination and staying power. These days we talk about personal ambition and needs and are somehow selfish and less likely to compromise in relationships, also it's normal for women to have careers and good jobs instead of being stay at home Mums.

When my husband and I decided that I should give up a very well paid job in the city and become a full time mum, even though at that time it was becoming a rarity because living was becoming more expensive and most couples needed the second income to survive. We, luckily, had no such worries and as 20 years ago men just didn't become stay at home dads, I gave up work to look after 2 daughters. At this time, of course, we didn't even think of divorce, why should we, both our parents were 'happily', both our mothers didn't work and we assumed our live would be the same.

The World has moved on, it's no longer the 1960's, the World has also become smaller and more transparent and regardless what anyone tells me I now believe that apart from the very lucky we will not see marriages lasting 50 years anymore. We will have a husband/wife for the first part of our adult life for children, a second for growing old, life expectation has changed and is now a lot longer, the pressure of working life and the expectations we have for ourselves and the stresses of today's society are too great to sustain life-long marriages.

I have been caught in the middle of this change and have become a victim of dedication to my family and therefore a member of this new social group. Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter and I don't hate my ex-husband, in fact I hope he is happy in his new life. On my part I am sad about the end of our marriage and didn't expect to be facing this challenge at 50. I'll get there. 

Suddenly some.....cuddles

Seems a funny thing to write about? well, I've been thinking about them a lot lately and yesterday sitting on the bus I realised that they are as necessary as the air we breathe, well almost, you know what I mean. When was the last time you had one from your kids? or your partner? a random stranger? The most random cuddle? From a man trying to get members for the Red Cross in the middle of Leicester Square in London, I said I was already a member and he said he wasn't doing very well so I had to give him something, I joked "how about a cuddle?" to which he agreed, we both left smiling, I had a fantastic day and I'm sure I improved his too.

Cuddles and hugs can mean anything thank you, I love you, I understand, pleased to see you, I feel your pain, don't worry, we'll get there and lots of other things, the point is they are always without doubt positive and nurturing and we need them for our emotional well being.

The men in my life, father, brother and soon to be ex husband were/are stiff upper lip when it comes to showing emotion, just not the done thing, I really didn't notice this flaw for some time, I enjoy a hug or cuddle and am always ready to give or receive one. My dad would always tell someone who wanted to give him a hug 'not to be so silly' and would shake them off, that is until the day my daughter replied ' I don't care, I'm coming in for one anyway'. It changed their relationship and my fathers whole outlook on life, in fact he turned from a grumpy old git to a teddy bear, pity it was so soon before he died.

Men use them to get what they want, I don't mean in a nasty way, naturally and with love or affection, women use cuddles more and in a nurturing way as part of our make-up we need and give more hugs. When hugs are withheld you start to wonder what's wrong and feel less confidence about your relationship that person in general and can be one of the signs leading to a total breakdown.

Personal experience leads me to believe that affection in the form of bodily contact ie cuddles, is an essential part of life. Hug your friends, children, lover even the old lady who lives downstairs, it'll make them feel better and not to mention it'll bring the magic of a smile to your face.

Suddenly some.....reality

After a particularly depressing phone call with a solicitor in the UK it is time to reflect on life. Is it fair? Did I do too little? Or maybe too much? Was/is my dedication to my family not the right thing?
When I met my husband in 1980 I fell completely head over heels for him and may I say, vice versa as well. We were young and in love and married by the time I was 20. Everyone friends and family included said it wouldn't last, but it endured all kinds while we watched as friends got married had children and then divorced.
10, 15, 20 years passed, the world moved on our children born, the Berlin Wall came down the Gulf War, computers, mobile phones the World changed and we stayed the same. We continued living in our 1980's bubble where we believed marriage was forever and because of that and a good job i could stay at home and be a mum. Oh, silly me!
What we didn't notice was the extra pressures this modern world bought with it. We didn't notice the changes we were both going through. We forgot to look after each other too busy making things work and maybe sticking with it and being a little to proud about the length we had been together.
Don't get me wrong I still love him and there is no one else, but live together not any more the distance is too far and the crimes too big to be forgotten.

Suddenly some...Time

Time is a funny thing you never seem to have enough if it and if you do 9 times out of 10 most people end up wasting those precious moments with the mundane or the boring. I have no bone to pick with the 9, as i'm prone to procrastination myself and I'm jealous of the one, that person who sees an opportunity and uses it to the full.

After a long 18 months of trying desperately to get over a really bad and really long relationship I have suddenly found myself A. feeling more optimistic and B. I have so much more time that I want to fill with good useful things. Most people I know would say ' Ooh, lucky you, spare time, I'd love some of that'. But having spent so long caring for the needs of a challenging, demanding control freak I'm at a bit of a loss. I still end up at home with nothing to do, you see before I needed approval and if it was not forthcoming then I didn't do it - so I didn't do most things I wanted to.

So here I am sitting in my armchair writing this, I've cleaned, cooked re-functioned a stool in my daughter's bedroom phoned everyone I need to and written my Christmas thank you letters and now I don't know what to do with the rest of the evening.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been thinking, thinking about what I want to do basically with my extra time and as a consequence my life. I am 50 March and by that time I want to at the very least know where I am going and have an idea how to get there. So far this is what I have worked out:

• I enjoy my job as a Management Assistant - supporting and organising 
• I am interested in psychology - positive psychology fits with my general positive outlook on life, I am hardly ever negative about things and always smile.
• I love making things - I'll turn my hand to anything DIY, crafty or sewing, I used to make children's clothes and wedding jewellery and sell them before the Internet existed, really enjoyed it.
• Art and design are fascinating - I can not paint, or have never tried but, design I can do, the interior of my apartment has completely changed over the past 18 months from sparse and tidy to shabby vintage and I've hardly spent any money on new furniture.
• I need to further my education.
• I am dedicated to supporting/helping my daughters achieve their goals in life.
• I want to move back to the UK.

This feeling of wellbeing and time has kind of crept up on me, I assume I am at last getting over what was. Now motivation and a plan is needed to keep me from slipping back and becoming one of the 9. Here are some articles that I'm reading at the moment:

Tiny Budha

Lifehack

 the other fall out of such a relationship is a lack of friends and real fear of committing to even the most basic of friendships - that's something else and maybe another post